Who knew the sound of the quick expansion of air could be so awesome?

It's 2010 & i've started my new year on the island of the gods, Bali. Today's the third day of our 8 day long trip & i've already run out of room on my 4 GB memory card for my camera. Of course 4 GB is laughable for 2010. I forgot that we were in the future now.

Here is a copy & paste of words to a couple of songs I did in December 2009--->

Epic of the Universe:

I don't stop like the ice cream truck
I don't ring no alarm you're out of luck
Headquarters in my room, on a Sunday afternoon
Setting sun, now I'm done, mind & body on the run

Don't get all whack, i'll scratch your back, i'm right on track hangin up another plaque
With the dope subjects ziplining through my brain, multi-tasking watching serial
experiments lane.
While some may struggle just to find a single interest, i'm grateful to be me,
synchronistically
Going through the motions as your day to day alias
Creatures of the night dancing, raising that Celsius
challenging to find the balance in ya body, spending time with yo love shift from nice
to naughty
Gotta smile when you're standing in the rain, the feeling is novel, the effect is colossal
When youre counting dollar signs, are you aware of the times
when you don't get what you need, it's your ego that you feed
It's not the end, although you're human, it might be fun to live like Truman


This is a good beat got it on repeat
rhthymically speaking ideas are peaking
Accepting yourself for who you are can be stressful
Seeking insight from the archetypal
Have to switch my gear, got my precious in the rear, wanna be a better version
by the end of this year
Transitions can be jarring, by the end of the day, to each his own
always starts in the home.

--------

Eccentric Billionaire:

Sometimes they're living in hobocamps, you take one home for soup, out comes a checkbook from their pants
They say, "I'm gonna make your dreams come true, by your good nature, rewarding you,"
The pipe dreams burst, out spewed scenes of luxury class esteem
How can joy replace showers? Meals of lemon sours, prepared on a family estate
I say, "When you're roaming the street, marching to your own beat, always keep a copy of your receipt."

Eccentric billionaire

Sir Richard B successfully sells trips to outer space
Bill Gates the third, sleeps earth sheltered, in Xanadu homebase
Scrooge McD, in his vault he'll be with gold coins on his feathers
J. Pomeroy, hope you enjoy your state of the art center.

()+()+()+()+()+()+()+()+()+()+()+()+()+()

Thought i'd include email excepts from Bali to my man lover to document my self-process or whatever:

"Oh man, toilet drama, anyway i don't want to write about that at this moment.

So last night I had one small step towards mankind when I told my mom that i liked that she was trying to help me and all but i don't need her to tell me after every meal that i need to stop eating after five bites and that it was enough. It seemed like she liked hearing that she was helping so she said i know so today she hasn't said a word or been side eyeing me as i eat. It is really challenging vacationing with her. Like she said, since she grew up in the provinces, this isn't really a vacation for her. She was really traumatized by her childhood, so she prefers the monoculture hotel and entertainment bused in from local villages. In fact we're going to move hotels to the part of the island that aims to compete with the other international beach resorts devoid of any of the local culture. It's whatever, cuz it's her money. And as an American, I kind of like air conditioning (sorry ozone layer :() But we've been sorta bonding in our own way. I hate to complain about my mom so much, but i guess it just rubs off on me. And she has her reasons for being high maintanence, I guess she's a sensory avoider.

People keep talking to us in Balinese because they think we're local, especially me ;p I think we walked for a mile today and it wasn't so bad because it was leisurely but at the end my leg and foot did start hurting and i was tired! I would love to come back here to Ubud again, I will go ahead and call it the San Francisco of Bali. Eco cycling, Ganesha bookstore, Vegetarian food, dog advocacy, alternative t-shirt shops, etc....

Ooh, my carnrows are falling out. I think I officially got my money's worth out of this 90 buck hairstyle. I've had them in since December 12? They said it wouldn't last a week HAH. I will make my recessionista hairstyle work for me through vacation to staycation.

I know these emails are long, you don't have to reply in the same length, but as long as you read them and feel my familiar energy, I will be happy! Hope you don't mind my somewhat stream of conscious/bad/lazy grammar thinking/writing, cuz the thought of you inspires me! This kind of reminds me of when I was first trying to get with you and I was living in Michelle's Home still in RWC, and how I missed you but I had never even been with you. The same thing is happening now, the same feeling, except this is better because we're actually together now, It reminds me of my mom's first boyfriend in 8th grade. She and this boy were talking so they became bf gf but they had never even kissed and someone started a rumor that my mom was pregnant, it reached the boy's parents and they took it out on him pretty bad, and that's when my mom ran away from home. Anyway, different circumstances but I remember my mom saying, "We had never even kissed, and I was supposedly pregnant" I don't remember verbatim what she said, but there's a connection there. I dunno sort that out, mercurial mind...

The first night I was here I thought I kept hearing the Bop it toy, ya know after The Simpsons episode, so it was definitely wishful thinking that in the middle of these rice paddies in Ubud, Bali there was some kid (can't be an adult) with a Bop it Toy, but the toy only played the Bop It sound and not the other ones. So today my mom asks me if I hear the Tucco lizard. Tucco being the sound the lizard makes, which is the name it is known by in the Philippines. So imagine the Bop It syllabic stresses, tone and high volume except with the enunciation of "Tuc Co" and it sounds like a toucan-parrot but it's a freaking lizard...I have yet to see this lizard, it's not the gecko which makes a tsk tsk tsk tsk noise which is almost as loud as the tucco lizard. Anyway, it's really loud and alive with frogs, lizards, birds (in the morning), crickets."

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Due to the nature of my 2010, I will be returning here more frequently. Just FYI...Cheers!

Vulnerability is Inevitable

When I hear old people singing, it makes me cry.

Tonight I accompanied my mom to a gala at the Rrazz Room nightclub in Hotel Nikko San Francisco. Though all the performers were fabulous (Sharon Mcnight can get me on my feet with tales of bacon any day of the week) we were there to see Petula Clark, famous for several hits spanning over seven decades. Petula sang a familiar song, "Downtown," then shared a poem written on a train from Paris to London with the audience which MOVED my mother to shed a couple of tears. Needless to say Petula is a magical 70-year old woman. When I got back home, I acquired some of her recordings and I am SOLD. I can see how my mother is inspired by this artist because I am too. I consider every single one of Petula Clark's songs wonderfully moving and insightful. It probably doesn't hurt that Petula is a Scorpio sun sign like me. Sidenote-I see a PATTERN some Scorpio sun sign artists that I follow like Bjork, Bat for Lashes and now Petula Clark who've become internationally known in their 30's. They're not "super famous" in their early teens or early 20's, so I interpret that as sign to look forward to my 30's. What if in our 30's us Scorpios shift the focus of our imposing shadow to instead reflect and radiate our light out into the external. Just playing. Now I digress!

As I listened to Petula's recordings, which took place while my mom was just a dreamy teen in the provinces of the Philippines, there was this quality in Petula's voice that I focused on. Her voice in the songs were dripping with youth and I wondered if this was the voice my mom expected to hear tonight. I wonder if Petula's young voice is how my mom wants to feel like again but the voice of the Petula of today is what my mom feels like now?

In a voice/vibration, without language, one can feel where a person is in their life.

Petula's lyrics contain a lot of the same theme of going to where all the lights are and forgetting your worries. Anyway, I started crying because I really did have a moving and magical night with my mom, entering her world and "being in the moment." "Being in the moment" then made me think about the moments preceeding them. My mom pretty much has lived/lives synchronistically (if that's a word) by Petula's lyrics-throw in some lyrics about hustling and war and my mom's personality is complete.

After crying I felt better because the act got some cortisol out of my system, and I reflected on the way I receive and express my emotions. I feel really moved by my external life on a day to day basis, which I am grateful for (all my relations) so much so that I think about taking on everyone's vulnerability so that they keep moving in strength, even if its away from me. I would rather watch "them" move away from me than bear to see them sink like Leo in Titanic. What does that mean? And why do I "feel" like describing my experiences and emotions is a "bad" thing? We battle/work with our emotions every day yet we never really discuss them. I think about how this social construct affects us. The relationships we have with objects, people, places and ideas are what we really experience. Just as we don't actually see light, rather we see the subject the light bounces off of, sometimes we don't really see what the thing/"problem: is, depending on our social/cultural/neurobiological epistemology, rather the relationships/emotions that they evoke (want, like, hate, scared, ignore). On that note, so much information is being found in the latest neuroscience research about the relationship between the emotions and learning. What a novel idea that emotions are a part of everything that we are thinking.

"And she's been doing it all in high heels"

"And she?s been doing it all working high heels"


I'm in my mother's office and it is 1:06 am. I got here at 6:30 pm, she got here at 8 am yesterday. Ever since early childhood, my mother has worked several jobs. Today, she orders way too much food when we go out, most likely because she never had anything to eat 90% of the time growing up in a 12x12 grass shack with five other brothers and two parents. She's seen piles of dead bodies in religious wars, relatives beheaded for the thinnest of reasons, worked closely with an infamous dictator and his shoe whore, and gave birth to a person she is challenged by, but is proud of it. She worked her way to a country where she has been told by other people who she is and what she is capable of. But she kept on truckin and vowed never to work for anyone but herself. She treats every client and employee she has ever worked with with dignity, generosity, and genuine concern. But she doesn't have time for sketchy and sheltered people.

It is intense to know we are each other's only family. Because of my mother's insatiable need for "success", we are living the most comfortable we have ever had in our lives. And she's been doing it all working high heels.

I am grateful for everything.

My ambiguousness (i'm merely being open-ended) and the mercedes-benz I drive today may give an inaccurate perception of my life to some. But I use it to my advantage. And it makes my mom happy to see me wearing "new looking" clothes and driving a nice car that she bugs me to "take care of". I say, "it's only a car," or , "i'll live through it," if I sit on the bed with my "outside" clothes on. She always gives me a dirty look and a comment addressing my image.

I don't like to get too personal. But she tells me I am a better version of her.